Do you know what I’m sick of?
Cold and flu season.
It seems like everywhere I turn, someone is coughing or sneezing on me, and it feels like it’s the gift that will NOT stop giving, you know?
And if I have to deal with one more Man Cold, I think I’m going to lose my mind.
The funny thing is, prior to meeting my husband, the term “Man Cold” conjured nothing more for me than funny memories of a YouTube clip someone once sent me.
Funny enough, that YouTube clip was sent to me by my sister-in-law one month before our wedding.
Now, you have to keep in mind that I was raised by Brits, so I do not have fond memories of spending sick days tucked into my parents’ bed while watching cartoons and sipping flat ginger ale. Nope. Unless I was bleeding out of both eyes, my mother thought I was well enough to go to school and sent me on my merry way regardless of how green my snot was or how badly my chest was rattling.
The other mothers must’ve loved her.
When I got older, I swore up and down I would not turn into my mother, and that I would never be as intolerant of sick people as she has always been.
And then I met my husband.
All it takes is a phone conversation with a sick person to get him sniffling, and after pulling us through 7+ years of Man Colds, I’ve become an expert. All I have to do is look at my husband to know what stage he’s at, and I always know exactly what’s required to get us through to the other side.
And since I’m a nice person, I’m going to share some of my secrets with you.
Stage 1: “I feel something coming on”
Head to the pharmacy (for him), the liquor store (for you), and brace yourself. You’re in for a long ride.
Stage 2: “My throat is scratchy”
Have you ever wondered what it feels like to get a tonsillectomy without anesthetic? That’s how your husband is feeling right now, so he’ll need you to make him endless cups of weak tea with JUST the right amount of honey in it. If you’re unsure of the correct measurements, give his mom a call. She’ll be more than happy to help.
Stage 3: “I need to lie down”
By now, your husband is delirious with fever and momentarily forgot how sick he is and got off the couch. Maybe you didn’t hear him calling you and he had to change DVDs himself. Whatever the case, don’t leave his side. Get him back to the couch before he starts to feel woozy, and then present him with an assortment of cold medicines so he can sift through them and determine which one best suits his needs at that particular moment in time.
Stage 4: “Did you buy the soft tissues?”
It’s bad news, my friend. He’s entered the snot stage, and you can expect to spend the next 2 to 3 days cleaning snot rags from every surface of your house – your couch, your living room floor, your kitchen counters, the dog’s food bowl, your child’s crib, and your bed. With any luck, you had the common sense to buy those lovely tissues with vitamin E cream manufactured directly into them. If not, try to woo him with the latest edition of Maxim magazine you bought for him. Fingers crossed Megan Fox is on the cover.
Stage 5: “It’s low grade”
A word of warning: “low grade” does not mean “better”. It means your husband is only just starting to lift out of his snot-induced haze, and anything more strenuous than getting up to pee could put him flat on his back for another 10 days. So fluff up his pillows, make him a sandwich, and change his DVD already.
Stage 6: “Can you believe how sick I was?”
You’re finally in the home stretch. Your husband is feeling better, but he’ll need constant reminders of how brave he was to pull through. Be patient and encourage him to go back to the office – the sooner he gets back into the swing of things, the sooner you can both put this hellish experience behind you.
Chances are you are now feeling a little under the weather yourself, right?
Well buck up, buttercup, and quit your whining.
It’s just a cold.
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